Teenage Emotional Intelligence
I currently work with a group of 24 teenage girls. As it often goes with teen girls, there is sometimes a little drama. Our group of girls is no different. For the most part, these girls get along beautifully and work well together. On occasion, however, there have been disagreements and hurt feelings. I suppose that’s no different than adult women sometimes!
I have one particular girl, Jane, who likes to be the center of attention. Jane tends to do whatever it takes to be front and center, doing her best to get noticed by her peers. It’s not always a bad thing. After all, Jane is a natural-born leader. Put her in charge of something and she’ll take over. But you need to step out of the way and let her do it her way… Needless to say, Jane has managed to offend quite a few girls in our group. If things don’t go Jane’s way, she can be a little vindictive and plays the mean girl card. It doesn’t impress anyone. Unfortunately, Jane has managed to burn a lot of bridges. Friendships are fragile and fickle.
As an adult, I have done my best to help our girls understand that even though Jane tends to be mean-spirited and bossy, the choice to be offended lies with each of them individually. It would certainly be easy to get offended by Jane. I’ve tried to help the girls reframe difficult situations and learn to take the “wind out of her sails” by choosing to be unaffected by Jane’s meanness. Helping my girls learn to let things go has been a process and takes practice!
A few months ago, just before Christmas, Jane’s family experienced a tragedy. Jane’s father unexpectedly passed away from sudden cardiac arrest. He was 46, healthy, and by all accounts, doing well. Jane and her sister found their dad on the floor, already gone before they could revive him. The news hit hard. Of course, Jane, her mom, and 4 siblings were devastated. Shocked. We all were. Moods were pretty somber and everyone was at a loss of words. I mean, what are you supposed to say in times like that?
The girls who had tried to distance themselves from Jane now found themselves between a rock and a hard place. Many of them mentioned to me privately that while Jane had hurt them, they wouldn’t wish that kind of pain on anyone- even an enemy. Tears flowed freely among our group. We spoke about ways to serve Jane and her family. Several girls made comments that they didn’t think Jane would want service from them, even if it was genuinely given. I encouraged the girls to be prayerful about it and think about how they would want to be served. Thankfully, the girls did just that.
As the girls worked on ways to serve Jane, something interesting started happening. I noticed that both Jane and the rest of the group softened. Attitudes were slowly changing, forgiveness was given, and friendships slowly started to rekindle. I can still see a cautiousness in our girls around Jane. They want to include and mend broken bridges. And they’re getting there!
I was thinking about this situation today, as I’m preparing to take 8 of these girls to watch 3 of their friends in a school play tonight. Jane and a few of her newly rekindled friends are among the 8 girls going tonight. Jane is learning to care about other’s interests. The other girls are learning what it means to truly forgive and how to communicate appropriately. I feel like a proud mom, even though I’m not their mom. Learning to change our attitudes and reactions to difficult situations requires emotional intelligence. Sometimes, we sell teenagers short on the subject. We often assume teenagers are hard-headed and self-serving. I’ve seen the opposite over the last few months….and I love them for it!